Inspired by the movie Julie and Julia, I decided to create a blog. I wanted to see what would happen if I wrote down my thoughts about my doula experiences.
Would I have enough to say? Would my words be helpful to women? Would people in my community get angry if I spoke the truth about what I witness at births; the good, the bad and the ugly? I mean all of it, whether or not it might make people uncomfortable. Could I speak my truth and not put my family in jeopardy of being sued for libel?
So I committed myself to 10 months and gave myself a due date of November 1st. Then I promptly put the idea on the back burner of my life to let it simmer and see what it would boil down to. Ideas floated through my head but I didn't act upon them in any real way.
I talked to my husband looking for support and my brother who has experience in blogging for feedback and ideas. I tried on different blog looks. I dabbled in learning about what it is like to do a blog, but I made no move toward creating the real thing.
The week before the first of November I casually mentioned to my husband that my due date was coming up. "Did he think he could create some time this weekend to help me?" Halloween night I said OK I think tomorrow's the day. I'm feeling ready. November 1st we sat down together and began the process. We carefully looked through our options and he helped me lay down a foundation. It wasn't exactly what I wanted. Compromises needed to be made but it would get me started. After all, I am learning that creating a blog is something one does in little bits over a long period. The only way to really see a blog for what it is, is in hindsight. Down the road we can look back, review what we went through, look at signposts along the way and gain some clarity on our experience. There is nothing to be done except embrace the process as it unfolds. We don't really know where it will take us but if we have faith in the process amazing things can happen.
Later that night I e-mailed my sister-in-law and brother for support; my doulas. I thought I had a good idea. I thought my blog was starting to look OK, but my confidence was wavering. Of course my husband said it was great, but that's what good husbands do. Wives know this, so they don't believe husbands when they say "You're doing great." Women turn to other supportive, knowledgeable and caring people to give them an honest assessment on how they are doing. That's one of the reasons women hire me. Just like a good doula, my sister-in-law gave me both praise and steered me toward some new things I might want to try.
Now I seem to be in very active labor. I can't seem to focus on anything else. Thoughts of this blog are swimming in my head constantly, no matter where I am or what I am doing. Things are coming too fast, and I'm going to need to learn how to pace myself and work effectively with all this creative energy. Especially since I am a first-time blog creator.
Perhaps I am misjudging the stage I am at. This might not be active labor at all. What if this is really early labor? I don't want to expend so much energy at the start that I don't have it in me for the long haul. Who knows what challenges lie ahead? I need to slow myself down and focus on each surge of energy as it comes. Stop looking way down the road; stay in the moment and see what the moment brings.