My Heroes

I'm sure you have heard it said that every birth is unique, each its own story. But no one talks about how deeply that story is written into women. Each woman's birth story is carried in their bones and sinews. It has put its stamp on their bodies and breasts and the very energy contained within their cells. This is how they know "birth" to be.

I have been very lucky in my life to able to attend women in birth. I am constantly in awe of womanhood, its power and its grace. Every birth IS a story. I have so many stories jammed in my head and packed into my heart. Some are private stories only shared with a sacred circle. Others are meant to be shared with the world. Some demand to be shared. So it was with my preemie twin vaginal birth. Now I want to speak about cesareans. Next post I'll share a recent positive cesarean birth story.

For many years I struggled with each cesarean birth my clients had. I took it as a personal failure. If I had just been a better doula this wouldn't have happened. I could have, should have, rescued her. Over time I grew to understand that these stories weren't my stories to write. They belonged to the birthing woman. They were her story. I tried to let go of my arrogance in thinking I held the power and turned it back to the mothers. I am there to help a mother find her own path. Success or failure is in her hands not mine. This attitude helped me, but did it help them?

Recently I have begun to question and be more critical of the whole idea of cesareans as being failures. I have never been with a mother who just gave up. Every one struggled mightily; pushed themselves to the edge of their personal precipice and beyond. How can that be labeled a failure? Who is to blame for this stigma?

The ugly truth is the blame lands squarely at the feet of the natural birth movement. A movement which is near and dear to my heart. A movement which sprang up in direct response to the over medicalization of birth. A movement which wanted to give women back their power; their belief in their bodies.We wanted women to be in awe of their own strength and abilities. A movement I signed on to many years ago. It gave me strength to do my work and replenished me when I was tired, weak, or hopeless. A movement which has branded the heart of every woman with a big fat F who began labor with the intention of birthing vaginally and ended up in the operating room . You failed at the very essence of womanhood. Enough.

I want all the mothers who have courageously fought to win that medal of female honor, only to see it fade from their grasp, to know they are heroes. They are the walking wounded who gave it all in battle for their comrades; their partner and child. Many suffer with post traumatic stress disorder. Some face on-going health issues. All of them have had their bodies invaded by friendly fire and have the scars and internal adhesions to prove it. Why do we treat them as shoddily as the returning Vietnam Vets? If you are for the war, people who believe in the medical model, you are numb to their tremendous sacrifice. If you are an anti-war protester, pro-natural birther like me, you actually have the unbelievable gall to question their loyalty to the cause. Enough!






Isn't it enough that she stayed the course for 9 hours at 8 centimeters without ANY pain medication? What about the fact that the last 4 hours were with pitocin to make her contractions even harder? What if you knew she was in active labor for 26 hours with back pain from a posterior baby? Enough?

Isn't it enough to join the club of "successful" birth if you labored with no medication and then pushed with ALL your strength for 3 hours at home AND THEN had to face your fears of transferring to the lion's den? Your midwife, your doula, your husband, your mother, didn't they all do everything they could? Why isn't that enough?


What about the mothers who train for the war but never get to feel their mettle tested? Herpes outbreaks, breech babies, high blood pressure, intrauterine growth retardation, or their baby's size can have them falling on their sword and relinquishing their bodies to be invaded for the sake of their children before a single shot has been fired. Their birth dreams laid waste upon the surgical table as the fog of war descends upon them.

What about this mom so great fully full of life? First she was told she would have to have a cesarean because her baby was breech. Then she went through an external version to turn her baby, only to have her water break with no labor. She did everything she could to make labor start. She and her husband held off the medical staff for hours and hours and finally, with time running out, submitted to one of her biggest fears; pitocin. After many hours on pitocin her baby's heart rate climbed. Could this be from infection? No mother wants to risk her baby. So she said yes to her deepest fear; a surgical birth and was wheeled off to the operating room. Surely she did enough. Would you have had her say no? She allowed them to cut her body open for the sake of her son. Isn't that enough?

                                             It should be enough.

Welcome home to ALL the mothers who began their births with the bright shiny intention of a natural un-medicated vaginal birth. As you marched off to do battle, you hoped against hope you would come home whole. You raised the banner of natural birth high above you. You held tight to your talismans of homebirth, nurse midwives and doulas believing they could bring you home safe from the war. You counted on your training from Bradley, Hypnobirth, or yoga to sustain you in the trenches. Bravo to those of you who made it through; war weary, battle hardened and whole. But let us not forget the walking wounded that sacrificed it all. Our highest motherhood medal of honor should be reserved for them for their bravery and selflessness. My heroes.

Welcome Home

Hayley D.      Annie W.       Kim S.      Laurie E.      Emily P.

Ruth M.      Miriam M.       Rebecca P.       Megan B.       Larissa H.

Yselle L.      Kelly B.          Kristina G.        Suraya S.       Wendy M.

Fara H.      Rochelle W.       Shelly F.          Sarah M.R.         Shannon L.

Katelen F.    Anna R.           Jenna M.          Star A.           Colby L.

Janet M.        Eva N.         Gwendolyn S.     Amy E.         Kambria D.

Stacie S.     Jennifer W.        Bridget B.       Georgie W.       Amy O.

DeAna C.     Amy H.           Jennifer K.         Traci C.        Heather S.

        Kat K.        Michelle L.        Tomi M.            Cindy L.          Linda S.       

                      

   Patti D.         Steph W.        Sarah R.          Kendra W.       Lisa N.
 
Sabrina S.       Anna T.       Glo       Stephanie A.       Annie R.

Kathryn D.       Sara M.      Spencer O.      Katelyn L.      Susan K.

Jessi C.     Beth S.

Do you have a hero that belongs on my memorial wall?

After 20 years of listening to mothers and witnessing births;
I have more names than I can remember.
Each is an important story.

If you or a loved one or friend belong on my wall please let me know and I will include them.

Thank you to the mothers who allowed me to use their stories and photos.

Next post will be a mother facing down her fears 
with a planned cesarean birth!

Dear Anatomy & Physiology Professor

Yesterday I finished a 12 week anatomy and physiology 2 part course. At the end I posted my professor a note in the discussion area.

I have enjoyed both Anatomy classes and have learned lots of information valuable for the various things I do. I am a birth doula, birth educator, La Leache League Leader, parent educator and more. I do have some ideas about the labor and birth chapter which I meant to contact you about. I'll still try to do that before the discussion areas get closed. 

Thank you,

Jennifer

The professor responded, "I'm glad you enjoyed the course and look forward to your input!"

So I spent a considerable amount of time yesterday going carefully through her lectures and formulating my response. I posted it into the discussion area as I had no other way to connect with her. I found out this morning that she took it down and sent me this reply, 

"To Jennifer,

Thank you for the information.  I am not able to keep that type of post up in the Discussion Area, but I read it carefully and copied and pasted it into a Word document for further review.  I am looking forward to checking out the references you included.  I think the pendulum has swung some on medication during childbirth.  When I was having my children (my oldest is 33 and my youngest is 18), women were encouraged to avoid medication if possible, while women in my mother's generation were significantly medicated.  Now, it seems that epidurals are used almost routinely, rather than reserved for special situations.

http://americanpregnancy.org/labornbirth/epidural.html

I think it's very important for women and their partners to learn as much as they can about pregnancy and childbirth, understand the pros and cons of different types of pain relief, think about their ideal situation for labor and delivery, and then discuss their wishes and concerns with a physician who comes highly recommended and who they trust.  

Thanks again for the info!"

I couldn't agree more. Women should learn all about the pros and cons, safety and risks of ALL medical procedures before they give birth but NOT in an anatomy and physiology class. In an anatomy and physiology class they should learn how a woman's body works without any outside interference. How her musculoskeletal, integumentary, sensory, hormonal, chemical and nervous systems work in concert to bring a baby into this world. 

Here is what I posted on the discussion board:

I have some thoughts about the sections in your lectures which cover normal vaginal birth. Let me explain my background. I have been a doula for over 20 years. In case you aren't familiar with this profession, a doula supports couples during the entire birth process and into the early postpartum period as well. I have been at over 100 births. Some have happened in homes and birth centers, but the majority of my clients have chosen to birth in a hospital setting. I have seen lots of babies come into this world vaginally and some via cesarean section. Along with this I am a birth educator and La Leche League Leader. La Leche League International has been educating and supporting breastfeeding women for over 50 years. They have the most up to date information and studies on lactation, breast milk, and breastfeeding. As a Leader I am trained to support mothers who desire to breastfeed through facilitating meetings and providing one-on-one support.

Throughout your classes I have been impressed with how well you explain the body's systems both anatomically and physiologically. The more I know about the human body the more amazing its abilities seem to me. I am very passionate about women, birth and families. It is very important to me that women are given accurate information about their body's birthing and breastfeeding abilities. Unfortunately in our culture women know very little about birth and what they are told is not at all from an anatomical and physiological stand point. Instead it is heavily mixed with cultural beliefs with no regard for science. Unfortunately I believe your section on birth is skewed in this manner. Women need to know how we were designed to give birth. If they then choose to use medical and pharmacological props or interventions that will be an educated cultural choice. As this is an anatomy and physiology course, I am hoping you will consider taking a more physiologic approach to how you present birth to women. Please understand I am NOT advocating women should birth without skilled help at the ready. How much they use or need that help will depend on their unique situation. I want them to learn what their bodies are capable of doing. 

Here is what I have learned from watching women, keeping up with the latest science, and opening my mind to see past our current birth culture. Women are designed anatomically to labor and birth in upright positions. Left to their own instincts it is very rare indeed for a woman to choose to lie down to birth, especially on her back. Imagine a woman choosing to lie flat on her back to defecate or urinate. Most un-medicated women will choose to stand, semi-squat, full squat or be on their hands and knees. Unfortunately all of your graphics clearly show the supine position. This position is brought about through the use of pain medication and for doctor and hospital convenience. It is considered normal only because of cultural influences on the physiologic birth process. Anatomically it flattens the pelvis and doesn't allow for the sacrum and coccyx to move out of the way of the descending head. It also immobilizes both of the illiac bones making it harder for them to spread laterally giving the additional space needed for the baby. You mention the doctor placing the woman in a semi upright position but as long as her bottom is against the surface of a bed she will be hampered in her abilities to birth unassisted, but unassisted is what we are anatomically and physiologically designed to do.

In your course you say the doctor will tell the mother when second stage has begun. But anatomically when a mother is un-medicated she does not need to be told when to begin pushing. When the baby descends to a certain point in the pelvis he naturally triggers the fetal ejection reflex in mom. Just as when you need to vomit you know you are about to vomit. No one needs to tell you it is time or how to do it. No one needs to say how long each vomiting session should last. This is exactly like the 2nd stage of labor. The mother, even a first time mother, will spontaneously begin to push with her diaphragm and abdominal muscles. She will not be able to help it. She will not be able to stop herself. She will naturally tend to push 3 times during each contraction for approximately 6 seconds. This amount of time works physiologically for the baby. When a mother is pushing she tends to hold her breath to bear down. This breath holding reduces the available oxygen to the baby. Six seconds is an amount of time that babies tolerate well. Longer than that can cause a drop in oxygenated blood with a corresponding rise in fetal heart rate as they physiologically struggle for homeostasis. 

The un-medicated mother will know when she is crowning from the burning sensations she will feel. Most mothers stop pushing and cry out. This releases the vaginal muscles and allows for the last stretching. I agree with you that it can be helpful for a provider to gently put counter pressure on the head to keep it from coming so quickly mom’s vaginal tissues tear but this is not how the system was designed. It was designed for the mother to birth like other mammals, without assistance. Further there have been many studies done that show that an episiotomy does not keep a woman from tearing. As a matter of fact they all agree that a woman is more likely to have a 3rd or 4th degree tear if she has an episiotomy. Currently most doctors only do an episiotomy if the baby's heart rate is dropping into the danger zone. In this situation it can be life-saving.  

When the baby's head appears the supine or semi-reclined position necessitates a care provider to hold the head so the head doesn't flop backward, hyper extending the baby's neck. When a mother births in a squat the head stays perfectly in line with the body as it hangs down. In your lecture you say the doctor will rotate the baby's shoulders but most babies rotate without any assistance. It is part of the anatomical fit between mother and baby that causes them to sort of cork screw out. It is only if their shoulder is stuck under the pubic bone that this doesn't happen. Finally rather than a doctor needing to catch the baby as you suggest, the mother is capable of reaching down and catching the baby as it pops out after the body rotates into position. I have witnessed this. 

As to the physiological process, you mentioned the hormones oxytocin and prostaglandin but equally important in the process are dopamine and endorphins. This combination of dopamine, endorphin and oxytocin is the same combo released during orgasm which causes intense pleasure and a feeling of floating. In labor this powerful chemical combination changes the laboring woman's perception of the pain allowing her to endure much more than she would otherwise. On top of that she is chemically driven to bond with her new baby as soon as he or she emerges. This is a very important feed-back loop which pitocin and an epidural disrupt. It has consequences for the next phase, mothering the baby outside the uterus.

The latest studies all show conclusively that immediate skin-to-skin contact is what we are physiologically designed for rather than taking the baby away even briefly and presenting it back to mother as a wrapped bundle. The mother and baby should continue to be considered one biologic unit. They share bacteria, hormones, body fluids, antibodies, fats and proteins. A neonate has no ability to self-regulate. He does this through his mother. Hearing the mother's heart beat and feeling the rise and fall of her breath regulates his heart rate and respiration. It keeps the levels of adrenalin and cortisol at their appropriate levels; enough to cause the baby to be hyper alert without causing him physical stress. Science has proven babies should not be taken away or wrapped in blankets. This is part of the WHO Baby Friendly Initiative. Their goal is to have all babies go immediately onto their mother’s abdomen or chest unless they need life saving measures. Normal suctioning doesn't count as life-saving. If needed this can be accomplished quite easily on the mother while baby remains skin-to-skin. They are to stay this way undisturbed for the first 2 hours of life so that all of the above sharing and regulation can occur. If you haven't watched a video on delivery self-attachment yet you will be amazed! We are much more like other mammals than we have given our babies credit. When un-medicated, undisturbed, and left skin-to-skin with mom they move themselves into position and find the nipple, latch on, and begin feeding. I just attended a conference where I was blown away by the latest info about epigenetics and breastfeeding. Breastmilk contains, histones, lepten, and microRNA, which all pass to the baby. They attach into their genes and change how the genes are expressed. This is an important further step in passing on genetic information from one generation to the next.  

The third stage is more easily accomplished if baby stays with mom. This triggers further oxytocin release, especially if the baby latches and begins to nurse, which stimulates the placenta to fully separate and then keeps blood flow to the amount which brings mom back to homeostasis. She loses the extra blood she created to maintain the pregnancy which she no longer needs. There is no need for "a little bit of pitocin" as you have taught unless the mom actually IS bleeding too much. Again our physiology is miraculously designed to take care of most contingencies. Only when it is not able to do its job successfully should we vary from this amazing design which you clearly have so much respect for.

Finally I want you to imagine what would physiologically occur if the mother and neonate were all alone immediately after birth. What would the mother do? Would she immediately clamp and cut the umbilical cord as you have stated the is done in our hospitals? Highly unlikely. Therefore what is supposed to occur? As you detailed so well, the baby's circulation and respiration have major changes that need to happen. These will generally take place quite peacefully without any gasping or stress to the baby. There is significant pressure around the baby's chest when it is squeezing through the vagina. When the baby is born there is therefore a significant drop in pressure which causes air to try to rush into the lungs. Also there are nerves in the skin of the neonates face which, when exposed to air for the first time, trigger him to breath in. This is why babies can be born under water and not drown. They do not attempt to breathe until their face is lifted out of the water. Further as long as the cord and placenta are intact and still pulsing the neonate continues to receive oxygenated blood from the mother through the placenta. The cord is covered with a substance called Warton's Jelly. When the air hits the cord it dries this out and triggers the cord to slowly stop pulsing. Meanwhile inside the baby his body is working to close the foramen ovale and reroute the blood. Most cords will pulse for 5 to 10 minutes after birth and placentas stay adhered to the wall for anywhere from 15 to 30 minutes. This gives the baby buffer time. I don't believe in this scenario there is a fall in blood PH, but I could be wrong. This also gives the mother/baby system time to bring their blood exchange into homeostasis with the neonate receiving exactly the right amount of blood. If you clamp the cord too soon you will leave 1/3 of the fetal blood in the placenta. This blood is needed by the neonate for many reasons. They are discussed in one of the links below. 

Thank you for listening and thank you for expanding and deepening my knowledge of the human body. I'm very glad I took this class. If you wish to ask me further questions about labor, birth or breastfeeding please email me at jenniferstoverdoula@gmail.com.

A standing unassisted birth video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zFMHB4RqpjI  

An MRI study of Pelvimetry in 3 positions:

http://www.ajronline.org/doi/pdf/10.2214/ajr.179.4.1791063

Further explanation about up right positions: http://www.givingbirthnaturally.com/birth-positions.html

Discussion of labor hormones and how catecholamines disrupt the natural hormonal cascade:http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1595201/  

Fetal Ejection Reflex: http://www.wombecology.com/?pg=fetusejection

Delayed cord clamping: http://www.scienceandsensibility.org/?p=5730

The requirements for a hospital to become Baby Friendly certified:http://www.babyfriendlyusa.org/about-us/baby-friendly-hospital-initiative/the-ten-steps

Importance of skin-to-skin contact: http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/806325

Breast Crawl video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zrwfIcPB1u4   

I hope dear reader you found this information helpful to you. Please feel free to share it with others. You can link to this blog or share it via Facebook. Even copy and paste it into an email or on your own web site. Please remember to attribute it to me.

Some Truth about the Strength of Women

I recently ran into the quote on Facebook. I liked it so much I chose to use it as a cover on my Labor of Love Facebook page. Then I went searching to learn about Laura Harm. I immediately ran into this article; "Why Some Birth Quotes May Be Damaging to Women" on the Midwife International web site.  After carefully reading their post and the comments left by others I was drawn to leave this comment.

I have been a doula in San Luis Obispo for many years supporting women in the hospital and at home through medicated, un-medicated and cesarean births. I recently saw this quote and chose to put it on my doula facebook page. For most women birth IS painful. For most women it requires them to surrender in some form. Surrendering to your process where ever that process may lead, even into an operating room, IS the strength I see in this quote. Women ARE strong.The strength it takes to endure a surgery at the end of a long labor, the strength it takes to hold yourself together for the sake of your baby during an emergency cesarean, the strength it takes to surrender to the power of the process of dilation, the strength it takes to push a baby out of our bodies and into the world. This strength inspires me each time I am lucky enough to witness a birth, any birth. I make no distinction in my respect for birthing women, medicated, un-medicated, vaginal or surgical. ALL women are strong and need strength no matter how their baby arrives. I wish women could stop dividing themselves into groups. I wish women could stop feeling they are being judged and stop judging themselves. Filtered through our own souls this quote, like art, will mean something different to each of us. I am sorry it is painful for you. I wish you could see the beauty in this quote that I see. The acknowledgement that ALL women no matter how they birth are strong. You were strong.

I would like to know how YOU feel about this quote. I encourage you to read their article. Look deep into your soul. How does this quote make you feel? Who have you been judging?
Please post your comments here or on my Facebook page.

Listen to National Experts: What the Birthing Women of San Luis Obispo Need to Think About!

These posts originally appeared as my Food for Thought series on Facebook. I wanted to provoke the women of San Luis Obispo county into thinking about their birth and parenting choices. By quoting directly from books I wish to stimulate discussion and encourage women to seek out information and become more educated. My hope is you will empower yourself through this process.

“Our lives begin to end 

the day we become silent about things 

that matter.”

~ Martin Luther King, Jr. 

from his unforgettable

 "I Have a Dream" speech

Doctor or midwife: How to choose which is right for you.

Baby Bonding and Attachment: Getting Parenting off to a good start.

Induction and Due Dates: What you need to know to keep anyone from scaring you into a decision.

Understanding Risks: Learning more so you can choose the risks you are most comfortable taking.

Parenting in Labor: Things to know about the decision to use pain medication.

Labor & Birth: Things to remember about normal labor and birth.

Re-framing Birth

The typical first time mother forgets that birth is about so much more than just her labor and birth experience. It is about her baby's experience too. She gets so caught up in "planning" her birth, practicing her labor "tools" and focusing on all the people and things she thinks she needs to travel this incredible, transformational journey. She forgets about her most intimate traveling partner; the baby she carries inside her. Birth is not an isolated day of importance. It is part of a continuum which started from conception and will continue a lifetime. The mother/baby dance of love and learning begins at the beginning; in utero. Labor and birth is a unique opportunity to teach your baby about how to handle stress and fear through the power of love and connection which should flow seamlessly into those first golden hours and days immediately following birth.

Think about your baby during your birth. Send him or her waves of love and reassurance. This is your first act of motherhood. Listen to Dr. Nils Bergman on how to proceed once your baby is in your arms.

Nils Bergman, MD, MB, MPH, CHB, DCH on the Social and Emotional Intelligence of Infants

"Babies are brilliant, inexperienced people."

Diane West co-author of The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and Making More Milk.

Wisdom

Supporting women in labor I have come to believe this with all my heart. Even when birth takes a dramatically different path than the one envisioned, we can heal ourselves from it if we were treated with love and respect for our bodies and our spirits throughout the process.

Labor & Birth

Expectant mothers in my birth classes often worry about how long labor will last. Some of my doula clients fear labor will be like the San Luis Obispo marathon and others worry it will be a fast and furious sprint. Ina May Gaskin, master midwife, lecturer, author, and recipient of the Right Livelyhood Award shares her wisdom on the labor race and how long labor "should" take.

Need a Laugh?

Every mommy needs a good laugh now and then, otherwise we would go absolutely crazy! Here is a list of blogs and books to help you through the stressful days of pregnancy and parenting. All items on this list are parent tested and mommy approved.

Here is a blog that takes a humorous look at pregnancy and mommyhood. This piece is by a guest writer. She talks about some of the things she wished some one had told her before she went into labor about hospital births. Check it out: http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2011/3/26/8-things-i-wish-someone-had-told-me-about-having-a-baby.html

Sh*tMyKidRuined.com

Amber Dusick: what it is like to change diapers (illustrated with crappy pictures!) http://www.amberdusick.com/

The new book "Go the f*** to sleep"

Scarymommy.com

Comparing Approaches to Pregnancy & Birth

"The techno-medical model of maternity care, unlike the midwifery model, is comparatively new on the world scene, having existed for barely two centuries. This male-derived framework for care is a product of the industrial revolution. As anthropologist Robbie Davis-Floyd has described in detail, underlying the technocratic mode of care of our own time is an assumption that the human body is a machine and that the female body in particular is a machine full of shortcomings and defects. Pregnancy and labor are seen as illnesses, which, in order not to be harmful to mother or baby, must be treated with drugs and medical equipment. Within the techno-medical model of birth, some medical intervention is considered necessary for every birth, and birth is safe only in retrospect." — Ina May Gaskin (Ina May's Guide to Childbirth)

When Midwives Disagree

Midwives are human beings with all the good and bad that goes with that. The alternative birth community would like to present to the rest of the world a rosy picture of loving, nuturing and everyone getting along. They often paint the medical establishment as evil in contrast to themselves the angles of mercy and caring. Unfortunately in my experience this is far from the truth. The alternative birth community is just as full of politics, power stuggles and personalities as every other human endeavour. Money, group dynamics and territory are often issues. Opposing belief systems and practice protocols often clash. Often skills, abilities and safety get dragged into the fight. Yesterday I ran into just such a situation playing itself out on face book. It prompted me to write "A Good Midwife". Later I realized I wasn't done with my thinking on this topic. I wanted to explore how I felt about some of the underlying issues that I believe get in the way of building true community, true connection.

I believe:
The moment we think we know it all is the moment we stop learning. The moment we are convinced we know the TRUTH is the moment we stop seeking the truth. The moment we only see our differences is the moment we miss the opportunity to connect through our common bonds. The moment we believe there is only one way is the moment we have closed ourselves off to a world of possibilities. To think that we know all there is to know about something as complex and miraculous as birth is the height of egotism. Egotism is the opposite of midwifery, to be WITH woman, not above, not below but with. By being “with” we can learn much and we can teach much. From this all life flows.

The Seamstress

My doula journey takes me into people's homes and hearts. I am sometimes a receptacle for their smoldering anger or deep despair. I am always honored to help a woman along her path to peace and understanding. Birth trauma occurs when our hopes and dreams go awry. The wounds are deep if we felt unsupported at the moment our plans splintered into a million pieces of sharp glass raining down on us, and the grief process long. This poem is for all the seamstresses out there. The cesarean epidemic has infected our hospitals like a disease causing a disproportionate number of our mothers to begin motherhood disheartened, disillusioned and disattached from their selves. They are all seamstresses.

The Seamstress

We sat amongst her disillusionment and despair
piecing together the scattered remnants of her destroyed dreams.
The disarray of her disappointment spread around us
disconnecting her from the fabric of her life.

We sat disentangling the threads of her distrust and disbelief
from the dishonesty of those she thought had cared;
vainly trying to dispel her disenchantment.

The disjointed story spilled from her wounded heart
discouraged tears distorting the lines of her face.
The silver needle plunging in and out
as she desperately tried to repair the damage.

Together we examined the jagged edges of their handiwork
searching for patterns and matching the pieces.
How had this disaster happened;
this horrendous disruption to her plans?
Had she lost all of her abilities of discernment?

__ __ __ __ __ __

Carefully they stitched the edges of her womb together.
Her birth desires disintegrating around her
she lay in disembodied disgrace upon the cold metal of the steel table
discarded, dismissed and dispossessed.

Disheveled and disoriented she lay upon the gurney.
Could they not see the gaping wound they left upon her heart
her life blood disgorging onto the sterile white sheets?

Gathering together the fraying edges of her heart
she pressed discomfort, anger and disloyalty to her breast
bravely trying to staunch the unending flow.

__ __ __ __ __ __

Dislodged from all her instincts
her disordered mind distorting her visions for those first precious days of life.
Distraught she began incessantly working
the needle flashing in and out
feverishly sewing together the crazy quilt of her life.

Would she forever be at a disadvantage
disqualified for motherhood by her disfigurement?
Was there no way to close this wound that would not stop leaking
to rid herself of this terrible disease?

__ __ __ __ __ __

We sat discussing, sharing and disclosing
patching over the disharmony of her soul.
Disengaging from blame or guilt
we discovered a mother willing to sacrifice her body and her dreams.

# # # # # # # # # #

I became fascinated with the word and syllable 'dis' as I thought about this piece. First because of the dis-ease women feel with their bodies and their mothering abilities after a traumatic birth. Secondly because feeling they were dissed during the process is a large component of their grief. Third the syllable 'dis' turns a positive into a negative which is what they feel happened to their birth experience.

When I researched the meaning of dis this is what I discovered:

The Many Meanings of Dis

Pronunciation: dēs,
1. lady; woman.
2. Female deity; especially one promoting fertility.

Pronunciation: dis, Slang
1. To show disrespect for; affront.
2. To disparage; belittle.

Pronunciation: dis, Classic Myth
1. A god of the underworld.

As a Latin prefix
1. meaning “apart,” “asunder,” “away,” “utterly,”
2. having a negative, or reversing force when used as an English formative
Example: to change ability to disability; or affirming to disaffirming

I was stunned to learn Dis was both a female fertility deity and a god of the underworld. Now I see my seamstress as wrestling with these opposing gods; trapped in the depths of the underworld; struggling to sew her way back up to the light.

A Chance to Do Something I've Never Done Before or Is this What it is Like to be a Nurse?

One morning recently I was getting ready to go to a La Leche League meeting when the phone rang. It was another doula, a friend, and she needed some help.She was stuck at an airport far away and one of her client's had just called to say her water had broken. Unfortunately her back up doula had been at another birth all night. Would I go to the birth? Of course! My friend said she would connect with her birth client and let them know I would be calling.

So as I pulled my pick up truck onto the freeway in Pismo Beach I answered a call back from the dad. He was fairly calm. We discussed how mom was doing. He said she was in labor but handling contractions well. I asked if he wanted me to come right over to their place? No, he thought I should go on to my LLL meeting as planned. I asked if I could talk to her? When he took the phone to her I could hear the labor sounds she was making; a deep breathy moan. Hmmmm...I'm thinking. Then dad came back on the phone and said she couldn't talk now. Hmmmm...I'm thinking. He said he would see me when the meeting was done. Hmmm...as I drove towards SLO I'm thinking that didn't sound like a mom in early labor. Hmmm...My gut said I don't think you're going to League today. So I drove past SLO and on over the grade to their place.

Driving down their windy country road I wondered what this would be like. I had never supported a woman I had never met. Usually I have spent many hours with my moms sitting in their homes, chatting, educating, answering questions, calming fears, instilling confidence and creating relationship. As the birth nears I become a unique blend of confidante, experienced guide, friend and mother hen. So I wondered what would this be like? Could I be effective? Would she respond to me, a total stranger?

When I pulled into their driveway dad came around the corner with a puzzled look. I introduced myself and he visibly relaxed. He took me to the sunny deck where mom sat leaning back in a chaise lounge looking very uncomfortable and obviously contracting. After the contraction subsided I introduced myself and told them their doula was very sorry she couldn't be there with her. Then we got down to business.

I suggested she would be more comfortable in a different position. Could I help her move? After getting her into a leaning forward position I began to gently rub her shoulders as I assessed where she might be in her labor by the rhythm of the contractions, her response to them, her flushed face and unfocused eyes. I thought either this was going to be a long difficult posterior labor or things were moving very quickly.

"When had she last been to the bathroom" I asked? "Could she try to do that with me?" We slowly worked our way through the sliding glass door and into their bedroom. From the deck across their bedroom to the bathroom counter was 3 contractions. We never made it past the bathroom counter. Leaning onto its' smooth surface with me giving sacral counter pressure she swayed and moaned and contractions flowed through her like a torrent.

I turned to dad and calmly asked when he had spoken to their midwife and what she had said. He informed me that she said she would come some time this morning and check how things were progressing. I instructed him to call her again and tell her I said it was time to come. He left the room.

Alone together my hands sent waves of quiet calm into her being. Then I felt her knees begin to buckle with the power of her contractions. Her body was being lead in the primal birth dance, rocking, swaying, head rolling, opening to the flood of sensations that would bring her baby. Having been a birth dance partner for many women I could sense where we were in our journey together, so I was not surprised when I heard her give a soft grunt with the next contraction letting me know her uterus was pushing.

Dad came in and I inquired what the midwife had said. "She's on our road" he announced. "and will be here any minute." I breathed a sigh of relief. I am a doula not a midwife. I am not trained in catching babies. I have non of the necessary equipment. A few contractions later the midwife walked in, assessed what was going on and calmly went into action readying her supplies, talking to the mom and dad and smoothly stepping into the primary support role.

Usually a midwife has a trained assistant but it was clear to us that this baby wasn't going to wait for an assistant to arrive. As best I could I worked with the midwife, getting supplies, holding things, and handing things, while at the same time talking to the mom to give her confidence in her abilities to birth her baby, taking photos, and guiding dad into positions where he could remain a connected part of the process. Very soon a beautiful baby girl emerged into this world and into her moms waiting arms, healthy and happy.

I continued in my new dual role during the mother's repair and clean up, alternately fetching for the midwife, stroking mom's hair, taking more photos, cleaning up their rug, putting their towels in the washing machine. Finally it was time to go. Mom, dad and baby were in bed glowing and in love. Food and drink were at hand, family was arriving. They thanked me once again for being there, for not listening to dad's suggestion to go ahead to the League meeting and for everything I had done. Then I walked out of their door.

It has taken me weeks to process this new experience. I still don't know why she listened to me. Why she willingly followed my every suggestion. Why did she have confidence in me?

Is this what it is like to be a labor & delivery nurse? You walk into a room with people you don't know and yet you need to be able to guide them during one of the most intimate and intense moments of their lives. You have to assess where the laboring woman is in the process in order to call the doctor or midwife to come in time for pushing. When they arrive you have to support the mom at the same time playing step and fetch it for the doctor. When it's all done the family walks back out of your life and the connection is broken.

I can tell you I have worked along side some excellent labor nurses. Women that have known how to seamlessly flow from one role to another. The best ones are able to instill confidence and a sense of caring within minutes of entering the room. They are able to enter a room without disturbing its' energy or the rhythm of the labor. They listen to the mother as she progresses through labor and will try to encourage the doctor or midwife to honor the mother's wishes for her birth. Apparently I have learned a lot from these wonderful nurses.

Of course I have learned just as much from struggling with nurses that do not have an aptitude for being with birthing women. They don't generate the right kind of energy for laboring with a woman.

A good doula or nurse needs to be able to emanate confidant guidance without taking control. Their presence needs to create a sacred space in which the woman feels secure to birth. They become the mother's sanctuary in the storm. Now I know this can happen within minutes of meeting if the labor guide brings an open & intuitive heart to the birth.

Being a Hospital Doula: My Greatest Challenge

Sometimes I can only bear witness. I am helpless to ward off the blow. I educate. I put a "game plan" in place. I manage. I guide. I manipulate the system. I encourage. I remind women they have a voice; they have a choice. But in the end sometimes I am powerless to protect. My role is to stand and bear witness to the birth unfolding before my eyes. My heart breaks; little pieces crumbling away. Bits of me I will never get back. Moments in my life I will never forget. I hold on to the belief, for her and for me, that grief is transformational if we let it be.

Why Does Birth Feel Like This?

I found a beautiful quote posted on Denver Doula's Facebook page.

"As mothers we must learn to be flexible, for the rigid tree breaks in the windstorms of life. In birth we are utterly taken apart. In this way God guarantees that we emerge anew. This is how Mother Nature builds a new mother, by first burning down our pre-existing lives. The survival of this precious being you hold close today depends upon your undoing."
-Robin Lim via Harmony Miller

No truer statement can be said about birth. Letting go of our bodies, our preconcieved ideas and our inhibitions is essential to the process. Not just the birth process but the process of mothering itself.

Keeper of The Space

This is posted for all my doula friends and other women who provide sacred space for birth.

Keeper of the Space
by Michelle Fonte, Birth Doula

she…on elbows and knees on the bathroom floor
naked body glistening with the evidence of her exertion
brow wet
dad poised behind her
hands ready to catch
abundant curiosity and bliss on his face
she…hands grasping mine. holding. tight
me… mirroring her pose: knees and elbows on the cold floor
her forehead on my shoulder. pressing hard when the surges are strong
i meet her force with equal force
a break.
a pause
i shift my weight
she feels me
eyes raise and meet
intensity
she says ‘don’t leave me’
‘i won’t’
i say
she feels the truth in my answer. again rests her head on my shoulder.
“don’t leave me” she said.
her words turn over in my mind and stroke my ego
wrap around my shoulders like a warm blanket
for a split second. i. feel. Important.
she grunts and groans and sings
looking under her body
between her thighs I see her baby’s head filling up her. blossoming. pink.
intensity of these universes colliding: the one baby has inhabited for 40 weeks and the one he is about to enter
makes her think she may come apart
in this moment. she believes that she needs me
with courage and power and will she perhaps didn’t know she possessed, she births her baby into his daddy’s hands
the midwives say…’mama…take your baby’
she. stunned. still between worlds.
cannot
reaching under i receive their slippery blueish-turning-pink child
daddy’s eyes meet mine.
joy
i passing the gorgeous baby into her hands
eyes raise and meet again
i am humbled
she knows
her power
i remember
i am not important
simply the keeper of the space

Michelle is the mama of six children, doula and birth activist. She currently lives in Miami, Florida.
www.birthgirlz.com

www.motherpathdoulamiami.com


Thank you to Womb Space, a page dedicated to spreading information on childbirth through essays, pictures, articles, videos, poetry and more. http://wombspace.tumblr.com/post/947981510/keeper-of-the-space-michelle-fonte-birth-doula

The Transformational Power of Birth

Powerful feelings
Feeling powerful

The power of change
Powerless to change
The power of acceptance

Accepting our power
Powerful birth
Birth's power
Birthing powerfully

Allowing the power
The power is outside of my control
The power is inside of me
The power is me.

Female power

Life giving power

Living a powerful life

Inspiration & Wisdom for Labor, Birth & Motherhood

Quotes of the Day

"I feel very adventurous. There are so many doors to be opened and I am not afraid to look behind them." - Elizabeth Taylor

"Today is my opportunity to be what I have been becoming. I chose my path and walk it, with no one else to blame for my choices, but everything to share with my strengths. I have joy, love and peace that is of my own choosing, this will be an awesome day"... Rand Gholson

"It's not just the making of babies, but the making of mothers that midwives see as the miracle of birth."- Barbara Katz Rothman ♥

"It takes both
 great strength and great flexibility
 of mind and body to give birth."
Jennifer Stover

"We suffer from a tyranny of the intellect over the emotions. A dictatorship of the head over the heart instead of an integration of these complementary aspects of our being."
Billy Ray Boyd

Circumcision deaths: "an unrecognized sacrifice of innocents."
Thymos: Journal of Boyhood Studies

"Whatever the heart says is right, is right. The soul's emphasis is always true." Emerson

"In the end all that really matters is - how often did you laugh? how deeply did you love? how fully did you learn to let go?" ~Author Unknown

Watch this You Tube video: "You Can Do Anything" Way to go girl!!!

"Life begins at the end of your comfort zone" Neale Donald Walsh

"Excellent nutrition includes pure water, controlled breath, abundant light, loving and respectful relationships, beauty and harmony in daily life, joyous thoughts and vital foodstuffs." Susan Weed

When thinking about the people you have asked to help you at your birth:
“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” - Maya Angelou

"One study in the Netherlands looked at almost 530,000 low-risk planned births and found that with the proper services in place (such as a well-trained midwife and good transportation), home births are just as safe as hospital births. In fact, home birth may even be safer."
-Dr. Christiane Northrup OB-Gyn Author

This you tube video about motherhood made my eyes well with tears: Video : "Reflections of Motherhood"

"My grandmother later commented babies don't read books. Really all I needed to do was "read" my baby."
-Claire Niala

You Tube video: Maya Angelou recites her poem of the unextingishable flame of the human spirit, "Still I Rise".

One to inspire women planning to V-BAC:  "You are building new pathways in your brain now, preparing a home for the you who is emerging. The new you isn't the arrival of someone other than you; she's the emergence of whom you've always been but have long kept hidden. Your need is not to replace some defective self, but to invoke into operation once more the perfect you that is the truth of who you are." Marianne Williamson

"Of course there is no formula for success except perhaps an unconditional acceptance of life and what it brings." Arthur Rubinstein