Below is a beautiful piece on mothering from an African perspective. It is filled with wisdom. The author, a mother from Kenya, reminds American women that we need to slow our lives down when we have a baby and get back to the basics of mothering. How does this woman become so wise? By following the wisdom of her grandmother. Woman to woman; generation to generation women learn everything they need to know from each other. When we go off the path our babies are quick to tell us if we will only use our hearts to listen.
Why African Babies Don't Cry:An African Perspective
by Claire Niala
A mother, osteopath & writer based in Nairobi, Kenya
A mother, osteopath & writer based in Nairobi, Kenya
I was born and grew up in Kenya & Cote d'Ivoire. Then from the age of fifteen I lived in the UK. However, I always knew that I wanted to raise my children (whenever I had them) at home in Kenya. And yes, I assumed I was going to have them. I am a modern African woman with two university degrees and I am a fourth generation working woman - but when it comes to children, I am typically African. The assumption remains that you are not complete without them; children are a blessing it would be crazy to avoid. Actually the question does not even arise.
I started my pregnancy in the UK. The urge to deliver at home was so strong that I sold my practice, setup a new business and moved house / country within five months of finding out I was pregnant. I did what most expectant mothers in the UK do - I read voraciously: Our Babies, Ourselves, Unconditional Parenting, anything by the Searses - the list goes on. (My grandmother later commented that babies don't read books - and really all I needed to do was "read" my baby). Everything I read said that African babies cried less than European babies. I was intrigued as to why.
When I went home I observed. I looked out for mothers and babies and they were everywhere (though not very young African ones - those under six weeks were mainly at home). The first thing I noticed is that despite their ubiquitousness it is actually quite difficult to actually "see" a Kenyan baby. They are usually incredibly well wrapped up before being carried or strapped onto their mother (sometimes father).
Even older babies already strapped onto a back are then further protected from the elements by a large blanket. You would be lucky to catch a limb, never mind an eye or nose. It is almost a womb-like replication in the wrapping. The babies are literally cocooned from the stresses of the outside world into which they are entering.
My second observation was a cultural one. In the UK it was understood that babies cry - in Kenya it was quite the opposite. The understanding is that babies don't cry. If they do - something is horribly wrong and must be done to rectify it immediately. My English sister-in-law summarized it well. "People here" she said "really don't like babies crying, do they?"
It all made much more sense when I finally delivered and my grandmother came from the village to visit. As it happened - my baby did cry a fair amount, and exasperated and tired, I forgot everything I had ever read and sometimes joined in the crying too. Yet for my grandmother it was simple - nyonyo (breastfeed her!). It was her answer to every single peep.
There were times when it was a wet nappy, or the fact that I had put her down, or that she needed burping that was the problem, but mainly she just wanted to be at the breast - it didn't really matter whether she was feeding or just having a comfort moment. I was already wearing her most of the time and co-sleeping with her, so this was a natural extension to what we were doing.
I suddenly learned the not-so-difficult secret as to the joyful silence of African babies. It was a simple needs-met symbiosis that required a total suspension of ideas of "what should be happening" and an embracing of what was actually going on in that moment. The bottom line was that my baby fed a lot - far more than I had ever read about anywhere and at least five times as much as some of the stricter feeding schedules I had heard about.
At about four months, when a lot of urban mothers start to introduce solids as previous guidelines had recommended, my daughter returned to newborn style hourly breastfeeding. She needed hourly feeds and this was a total shock. Over the past four months the time between feeds had slowly started to increase. I had even started to treat the odd patient without my breasts leaking or my daughter's nanny interrupting the session to let me know my daughter needed a feed.
Most of the mothers in my mother and baby group had duly started to introduce baby rice (to stretch the feeds) and all the professionals involved in our children's lives - pediatricians, even doulas, said that this was OK. Mothers needed rest too, we had done amazingly to get to four months exclusive breastfeeding, and they said our babies would be fine. Something didn't ring true for me and even when I tried (half-heartedly) to mix some pawpaw (the traditional weaning food in Kenya) with expressed milk and offered it to my daughter - she was having none of it.
So I called my grandmother. She laughed and asked if I had been reading books again. She carefully explained how breastfeeding was anything but linear. "She'll tell you when she's ready for food - and her body will too." "What will I do until then?" I was eager to know. "You do what you did before, regular nyonyo". So my life slowed down to what felt like a standstill again. While many of my contemporaries marveled at how their children were sleeping longer now that they had introduced the baby rice, and were even venturing to other foods, I was waking hourly or every two hours with my daughter and telling patients that the return to work wasn't panning out quite as I had planned.
I soon found that quite unwittingly I was turning into an informal support service for other urban mothers. My phone number was doing the round and many times while I was feeding my baby I would hear myself uttering the words, "Yes, just keep feeding him/ her." "Yes, even if you have just fed them" "Yes, you might not even manage to get out of your pajamas today" "Yes, you still need to eat and drink like a horse" "No, now might not be the time to consider going back to work if you can afford not to". "It will get easier". I had to just trust this last one as it hadn't gotten easier for me - yet.
A week or so before my daughter turned five months we traveled to the UK for a wedding and for her to meet family and friends. Especially because I had very few other demands, I kept up her feeding schedule easily. Despite the disconcerted looks of many strangers as I fed my daughter in many varied public places (most designated breastfeeding rooms were in rest rooms which I just could not bring myself to use), we carried on.
At the wedding, the people whose table we sat at noted, "She is such an easy baby - though she does feed a lot". I kept my silence, then another lady commented, "Though I did read somewhere that African babies don't cry much." I could not help but laugh.
My grandmother's gentle wisdom:
- Offer the breast every single moment that your baby is upset - even if you have just fed her.
- Co-sleep. Many times you can feed your baby before they are fully awake, which will allow them to go back to sleep easier and get you more rest.
- Always take a flask of warm water with bed to you at night to keep you hydrated and the milk flowing.
- Make the feeding your priority (especially during growth spurts) and get everyone else around you to do as much as they can for you. There is very little that cannot wait.
- Read your baby, not the books. Breastfeeding is not linear - it goes up and down (and also in circles). You are the expert on your baby's needs.
Reading this reminded me of something that happened years ago when my son was just a few months old. I was already back to riding and training horses, as well as, teaching lessons. I would take him with me and teach as I carried him around in a Snuggly. I was determined to continue my professional horse life and be a mom, i.e. super woman you can do it all.
One day I was teaching a young girl at her home on the Mesa. Joe began to cry and nothing I did would make him stop. He didn't want to nurse. He didn't need his diaper changed. He didn't need a nap. So I ignored him, raised my voice above his cries and valiantly kept teaching.
After a while my young rider's mother came out of the house carrying a baby blanket. She was a vastly more experienced mother having had many children by then. She calmly said, "I think your baby doesn't like the wind" and began tucking the blanket over his head and stuffing it into the sides of the Snuggly sack creating a warm little cocoon. It was magic. His cries immediately stopped and he opened his eyes and calmly peered up at me. His face quite clearly said, "Thank goodness somebody came along who knows something about babies!" Along the way I learned so much from so many women more experienced in motherhood than I. I am forever in their debt.
Do you have a story of an experienced mom helping a young mom? I would love to post it. E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
This article appeared on The Natural Child web site. A wonderful on line resource for new parents at: http://www.naturalchild.org/.