Listening

All the time we are hearing that good communication is the key to relationships. For many of us this translates to if I can just find a way to tell you what I need you to hear you will grant me what I want. Or perhaps you think of it as speaking your truth and assume that the truth will set you free? What if the key to relationships wasn't in the speaking but in the listening?

Julie Nevison, founder of Aware Parents Aware Kids, recently gifted me with a slim little gem of a book called Listening Partnerships for Parents, by Patty Wipfler targeted at listening skills. I have always thought of myself as a good listener and over the years have actively worked on improving my skills. Recently I am finding that there is WAY more for me to learn and put into practice with those I love, clients I work with, and friendships that lighten my life.

Eons ago my husband and I took a class together taught by Steve and Cathy Brody, a psychologist and therapist husband and wife team. We learned the skill of mirroring what someone said. This was supposed to help them feel heard. Unfortunately we only learned the basic rote skill. In practice we simply fed back the other person's words before rushing forward with our own ideas, complaints, or needs. My husband rightly HATED it. I had to wait for more than twenty years to see the art of mirroring done so gracefully by Christi Silva as she facilitated La Leche League meetings. Not only did she mirror but she organized and sorted the random thoughts, feelings and ideas presented without ever interjecting her own ideas or making the speaker feel judged. She handed this back to the speaker as a gift. I listened. I heard you. Thank you for sharing.

Struggling as a parent and feeling I wished to strengthen my relationship with my son I read, "How to Talk So Your Kids Will Listen and  Listen So Your Kids Will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. Oh ho! So if I wanted my son to talk I needed to STOP talking! Now there's a concept. I still have a hard time with this at times. Sitting and waiting rather than engaging with questions isn't easy for me. Also this was the first time I heard the idea that as the listener, especially as a parent, it isn't your role to give them solutions or fix things for the speaker. If you just wait attentively, supportively, your child will begin to think of their own solutions. Then you can help them "try their solutions on" to see if they feel right to them or have the chance of actually working.

A few years ago taking Tory Blue's NVC class (non-violent communication) again shifted my whole perception of listening. She opened my eyes to all the critical dialogue going on in my head about myself and the person I was listening to; all the ways I thought I would, could, or should "fix" their problem. I also became aware of the concept of unmet needs creating dis-ease commonly felt by us as anger, frustration, sadness, or tension while met needs create happiness, satisfaction and joy. Communication is simply a way of asking to get unmet needs met. Sometimes others are willing and can meet those needs. Sometimes they can't or do not wish to meet the need. Often because meeting your need is in direct conflict with one of THEIR needs. This isn't wrong or bad. It just is. We may have to meet our own need or seek that need being met by a different person or in a different way. And guess what? That's okay!

La Leche League training puts a lot of emphasis on listening skills. We are taught to help a mother observe, look for clues, and sort through her own situation. We give her pertinent information she may not have which could help her clarify what she desires to do. We express confidence in her and her own abilities to know what to do and to do what needs to be done.  We tell her whatever she decides we know it will be best for her and her family. Or perhaps we are expressing confidence in her baby's abilities to learn or conquer a struggle, tap into their innate wisdom and abilities, or the hard wiring of their genetic coding. In essence we are modeling the behavior of listening to her baby rather than any other voices, especially if listening to those voices shakes her confidence in her mothering abilities.

My CranioSacral and Ortho-Bionomy studies and Feldenkrais explorations deepened my understanding of the many ways to "listen" to myself or someone else through physical touch. Again I saw that no real communication would happen if I was anything but completely accepting of what was, rather than what should be. Only after awareness and acceptance could I begin to explore other possibilities. Doors keep opening and new levels of understanding are revealed. Awareness and intention allow us to blend with another physical being through our hands. Permission has to be asked and granted on many levels before another human being will feel safe enough to reveal themselves to you. This is a sacred trust.

As an Intuitive Doula I listen with my head, heart, and hands. I listen to her hopes, dreams and plans. I listen to her birth struggles. I listen to her joy or sadness when the birth is over. So much of what I bring to a birth is simply my attentive presence. Feeling really listened to and honored through the intensity of birth is what is missing in so many women's birth stories. I listen with my ears, my brain, my hands, my intuition, my intention. Listening brings self-awareness.

Reading Patty Wipfler's little book I realized I STILL have so much to learn about active, caring listening and acceptance. Some of it was simply a good review; helping me brush up on things I already knew. There were also good reminders of things I had learned but still forget to use effectively in every day life. Most importantly it brought me a new layer of understanding about pain, hurts, and healing. Patty says unhealed childhood hurts leave scars that create rigid, irrational behavior. This makes sense to me. In order to heal those hurts we need to be LISTENED to. Feeling truly heard accepted and loved can help us release tears. Tears allow us to rid our bodies of trapped emotions. Emotional tears contain the harmful chemicals that have been trapped in our cells; frozen in rigidity. From my body work studies I know these unhealed hurts also leave physical scars in the form of physical rigidity or dis-ease trapped throughout our bodies; aching to be listened to, released, and healed. When our body feels listened to it finally is able to let go.

I am lucky to have Julie drop into my life at this time. "When the student is ready the teacher will appear." Thank you Julie.

A New Path Down an Old Road

Like many mothers, the road I started down after the birth of my son has taken me places I never expected. I have reinvented myself many times in the process or perhaps the road has reinvented me. Threads from my past lives weave together and my tapestry gets richer and deeper, mellowing with age.

Many years ago my body lay broken upon the jagged shores of my deepest passion, riding horses. Just as with the birth of my son I was once again confronted with the limits of the medical model. In this case if they couldn't visualize it with their many tests, quantify it, and label it, it didn't exist therefore they had nothing to offer me as a path back to health. They would happily prescribe pain medication for the rest of my life or refer me to a psychologist because the pain was obviously in my head not in my back. My search for a way out of pain led me to a deeper understanding of many modalities; acupuncture, chiropractic, watsu, myofascial release, spinal decompression, Feldenkrais body work, hormone balancing, and craniosacral therapy. All have been instrumental in my journey toward a pain free life.

Our lives lead us many places. Mine lead me to Cayucos to the door of CranioSacral Therapist, Celeste Varas de Valdes. The combination of her amazing ability to "read" my body, the gentleness of her touch, and the profound response of my body as I floated out of pain were incomprehensible to me. How could this be? I told my husband she was a wizard. How could she hardly touch me and have such an amazing healing effect?

Celeste encouraged me to read John Upledger's book "Your Inner Physician and You." Upledger is the founder of CranioSacral work. Actually I believe he may be a re-discoverer of a wisdom known through the centuries and across many cultures. I bought the book but consciously chose to never open it. I wanted to learn on an experiential level. It is easy for me to get in my head, to get caught up in intellectual learning. I wanted this to be clean unfettered learning through my own body's experience.

As my body began to heal I became more drawn to the how and whys of cranio work. Celeste patiently answered my questions. Next my path brought a chance to learn more at a California Midwifery Conference. I attended an all day workshop by Carol Gray introducing cranio work for pregnant moms and infants. After that I was convinced I wanted to learn more about how to incorporate this modality into my doula work. Time, expense and timing, i.e. life, kept this from happening.

A few years later I was offered an opportunity to watch at the hands-on part of an Obstetric 1 CranioSacral Training at Sukha Wellness Center in Avila. I was graciously allowed to try putting my hands on one of my pregnant clients who was there for demonstration purposes. I was astonished at all that I could "feel" going on inside her; the blockages and tensions. I put my hands on clients all the time, hugs, massages, counter pressure, or just holding a hand. This was completely different. It was tuning into a vibration and letting her body gently move me in a dance. The crazy part is she was lying completely still upon a massage table. No one else looking could see the swirling movement under my hands as her body gently unwound.

Interesting, but now what? I was busy going down a new path, working on earning my La Leche League
Leadership and learning as much as I could about breastfeeding. The more I immersed myself in the world of breastfeeding the more concerned I became. Listening to so many postpartum mothers who were struggling to breastfeed; to do what should have been a simple natural act. Something that every mare I helped foal never had a problem doing. Rarely, a mare will reject her foal completely, but no mare who allows her foal to latch has problems. Foals don't have latching or sucking issues. If you feed the mare right she has plenty of milk and the foal has no problems transferring that milk from the teat to his tummy. So why were so many of our mothers caught up in the pumping, bottling, exhaustion merry-go-round?

I am a question asker. If something doesn't add up for me I ask people I trust, who have more knowledge than I, why this doesn't add up. Lactation Consultant, Julie Merrill, kindly loaned me the book "The Impact of Birthing Practices on Breastfeeding" by Kroeger and Smith. I read that book cover to cover and in its pages I discovered all the research explaining why. I immediately incorporated what I learned into educating my class and doula clients. I was inspired to try harder than ever to support pregnant mamas in ways that would keep them off the self defeating merry-go-round. That didn't feel like enough to me. More moms needed to know. So I helped create and present the community event, Beating the Booby Traps.

Wait! This is supposed to be about cranio right? Took you right down the path with me didn't I? With an out of work husband there was no time or money to think about cranio. Then last May, with the financial help of LLL and labor and delivery nurse, Janell Todd, I attended La Leche League Conference. One lecture I chose to attend was given by Alison Hazelbaker assessing Tongue-tie, a condition which wrecks havoc on breastfeeding. It was presented over 2 days. The first day all the SLO Leaders went. The second day I think I was the only one who continued. I don't know why I went. She said she was going to present how to tell the difference between a real tie and a "faux" one. I thought it would just be more assessment tools. Well her assessment tool was to do CRANIO work on the infants and after several sessions re-assess for tongue function. Turns out she was a CranioSacral Therapist as well as a Lactation Consultant. An incredibly high percentage of tongue-ties were fixed with this gentle non-surgical technique. The pieces all slid into place for me. Now I knew what I wanted to do. It isn't enough to try to help moms say no to procedures which can impact their births and their breastfeeding. It isn't enough to give technical and emotional support to moms struggling unsuccessfully to feed their little ones. I want to actually help the babies and now I know how. I need to become trained in CranioSacral Therapy for infants. These babies are literally crying out for this kind of work.

Again money and time were blocking my path. Thank you to David and Mary Sage Sennewald of Sukha who gifted me a partial scholarship so I could attend CranioSacral I last month. Thank you to Alyssa Nixon and baby Finley for birthing before October 17th!

So now what? Well this path looks fairly long and I'm already finding roadblocks but I am determined. I've attended 2 study groups since the 4 day training. I ordered my books on-line yesterday. I think I have found a used massage table so I can practice on my family and friends. I can't even begin the Obstetric or Pediatric training until I have passed Cranio II and Somato Emotional Release. I'm trying to find a way to get my anatomy studies done without having massage therapists "in training" practice on me. This is something I know my body can not handle. Then there is the legal stuff about setting up a business which involves touching people. Yesterday I was so depressed. All I could see were the roadblocks. Today I'm cracking open the pages of "Your Inner Physician and You".

Celeste's Keep In Touch: http://www.craniosacralthpy.com/

David and Mary Sage's Sukha Wellness Center: http://sukhawellnesscenter.com/

My Life Path

Wisdom

Supporting women in labor I have come to believe this with all my heart. Even when birth takes a dramatically different path than the one envisioned, we can heal ourselves from it if we were treated with love and respect for our bodies and our spirits throughout the process.

What My Husband Didn't Do

Months ago I was asked the question how did my husband show his support of my choice to breastfeed our son? I am ashamed to admit that I couldn’t think of a single thing my husband had done or said. Recently I turned this question inside out and took another look. What had my husband not done? When viewed this way it became blindingly clear all the ways my quiet husband had been my mainstay throughout my breastfeeding experience and parenting. Read about it here.

Inspiration

Sometimes I forget that one woman can make a difference. I get caught up, bogged down and generally frazzled trying to meet all my commitments to all the people in my life. My nose is pressed so firmly to the grind stone I can't even see what I'm grinding. Don't get me wrong I treasure my grind stone and whatever it is I'm grinding at the time. But I can get so busy I loose sight of the bigger scheme of things.

Tomorrow I am starting a new project, another layer of wheat on the old grind stone; a support group for women using the philosophies of attachment parenting. This style of parenting has been around forever and is practiced in many cultures so why a support group? Because currently it isn't favored by mainstream America. Consequently these mothers are often judged negatively and are left feeling isolated and adrift. So I'm really excited about my support group project. I woke up with ideas swirling in my head this morning and can't wait for tomorrow but I'm also thinking, "Are you nuts! You already have too much to do and it is the beginning of the holidays. Company is coming, your son will be home. What are you thinking?!"

I was sorting through the stacks of stuff that always magically collects in the guest bedroom when the answer to my question appeared. I opened an envelope from my friend Rainie Fross, a past La Leche League leader. She had dropped off a bunch of resources for breastfeeding moms months ago and I had simply stacked them all in my magical collection of 'things I'll get to at some point'. I drew out a faded newspaper clipping from 2008. To be more precise it was an obit that ran in the Chicago Tribune with a large headline and photo. And there she was; one woman who had made a difference.

Back in 1956 this woman and six other mothers banded together to offer each other support and guidance. They were choosing to parent differently than 80% of the other mothers in the U.S. at that time. The medical establishment and scientific community was not in favor of their parenting beliefs. They were working in direct opposition to a huge industrial interest. They even had to choose a name in another language in order to put out meeting notices in newspapers. Slowly they built a grassroots community of women which spread nationally and eventually even internationally. She co-authored a book that was released this year in its 8th edition. When I googled the very first word of the title it immediately came up at the top of the list. She went on to give lectures around the world and even addressed the United Nations.

One woman within a small group of women within a community. Her name means nothing to most people but the group she helped found is known world wide, La Leche League. Through League she touched millions of lives helping create better family relationships, better health, and a better planet. Amazing what one woman within a small group of women within a community can do!
Thank you Betty Wagner Spandikow. Thank you for being an inspiration to me. Thanks for helping me look beyond the grind stone and remember why I do all I choose to do. And thanks to Rainie too!

If you are interested in finding out about my latest project, the Mothering; a Labor of Love group, visit my facebook page for updates on where and when. (This group has changed to South County Holistic Mamas in order to be more inclusive. We are on face book and do play groups, etc.)
For more info on Attachment Parenting philosophy and their 8 principles visit Attachment Parenting International's web site.

You Don't Know How Lucky You Are

I don't believe the birthing women of San Luis Obispo have a clue how lucky they are. Even many of the women working in our birth community don't know how lucky we are. We are so busy being in the here and now of our little corner of the world we assume this is how it has always been, this is how it is everywhere. Those of us working in the "alternative" birth community often see only the negatives. Guess what? Your perception is wrong. There are so many positives going on every day in our community. There is constant movement toward making births better for all women and their babies.

This was brought home to me in a very powerful and personal way the first time I attended a birth outside of our community. Being with my sister-in-law as she birthed at a hospital in Berkeley was an eye opening experience. A few years later attending another sister-in-law in Nevada taught me to treasure our hospitals and the people working in them. I can't tell you how grateful I am to be working as a doula in SLO.

So let's focus on the positives please! Here is a list:

Twenty years ago when I had my son if your baby was born in need of serious medical attention he was flown by helicopter to Stanford. Moms, dads and babies were separated until the mom was recovered enough from the birth to drive up to the Bay Area. Then the staff at Sierra Vista got together and created our local NICU. This was a huge project which now benefits women, babies and families in our community every day. Now if you are a high risk mom or have a high risk baby you have a place to go close to home and the support of family and friends.

When it became clear to everyone that General Hospital was probably going to no longer be funded by the county French Hospital stepped up to fill the gap. General had always been the low-tech family friendly hospital. French Hospital with it's small size and supportive staff is an excellent hospital for women going for a less medicalized birth approach.

Not too many years ago the best we could do for using water as a pain relief method was a shower. Now we have labor tubs at all three county hospitals where women can seek pain relief without the use of narcotics and needles. Want to birth in water? You can rent a tub and birth at home with one of our skilled homebirth midwives.

Fifteen years ago when a friend needed a specialized ultrasound done to check out the chambers of her baby's heart she had to travel to the Bay Area. Now for women who need specialized monitoring of their pregnancy we have qualified perinatologists with ultrasound capabilities far beyond what we once had.

We have lots of OB doctors with lots of different personalities and philosophies and styles to choose from. If you want to use a midwife instead we have an ever growing choice. There is something for every woman on the menu. Want to birth in the hospital but with a midwife? Guess what? We currently have two different certified midwifery groups working with two different doctors. Don't want to go to the hospital? We have two different licensed midwives to choose from and by this time next year we should have several new midwives joining their ranks.

Don't feel comfortable either birthing at home or in the hospital? Guess what? We have an out-of-hospital birth center currently under construction. It is due to be open for women with December due dates. Watch their progress on facebook.

I remember when your only choice for birth education was to take Lamaze at the hospital or Bradley outside the hospital. Now you can choose from these as well as Informed Birth & Parenting, Hypnobirthing, Birth Works or Birthing from Within. There is something for everyone from over the grade to the south county.

We have many other support groups and professionals for new parents in our area. Need free breastfeeding help? Call the Warm Line at 541-BABY. Want a breastfeeding support group? Try our local La Leche League meetings. Speaking of breastfeeding; we have excellent lactation consultants working in and out of our hospitals. Need postpartum support and counseling? Call the Postpartum Hot line at 549-7786. Need a shoulder to cry on about a negative birth experience? Go to one of our ICAN meetings. We have mommy support networks both on line and in person such as SLO County Mommies. We have parenting classes through Parent Participation throughout the county or Andrea Herron's Growing with Baby.

Considering using a doula at your birth? Go to the resource guide at the Birth & Baby Resource Network: wwwbbrn.org. We have a whole list of doulas working in the community and new ones getting trained all the time. The perfect match to your personality and belief system is just waiting for you.

As a doula these last items are the most important to me.

When the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists created new rules which required anesthesiologists standing by for a woman to be "allowed" to go for a vaginal birth after a previous c-section Sierra Vista stepped up and did what was necessary to make that happen for our community. Guess what? We have the only hospital for hundreds of miles that will do v-bacs. I recently had a client who moved back here from Santa Barbara just to be able to successfully v-bac!

Need a c-section? Our hospitals are actively working to create them to be as family friendly as possible given their staffing and geography restraints. They are trying to keep moms, dads, and babies together as much as possible. And guess what? Usually your doula, as well as your husband, can be with you during the entire process.

Last I would like to speak about the relationships with the hospital staff and doulas in our community. It has been many years since I was introduced at a birth as a doula and felt open hostility from the nurses. Now the staff has grown in their understanding and acceptance of the value of doulas within the hospital setting so much that I have even been paired with new nurses so they could be part of a "natural" birth. I would like to also say that anytime I have had doula clients with special needs or situations in preparing for their births both Marie Chaney, Maternal Child Assistant Director, at Sierra Vista and Charley Ault, OB Nurse Manager, at French took the time to speak with them and did their best to accommodate their needs and desires.

So within SLO town the picture looks pretty rosy but step outside this box and the picture gets ugly fast. There are hospitals that won't "allow" doulas to be present at births. They also don't "allow" birth plans or want couples who have taken classes which encourage natural unmedicated births. As a doula I have run into open hostility, been excluded from c-sections, had my client's pre-arranged wishes for their births ignored and witnessed verbal disrespect bordering on abuse of a mom preparing for a cesarean birth.

So thank you to all the women over the years who have tried to make this community more mother/baby friendly. A mountain of sand can be moved one grain at a time.


To read more about life outside our bubble go to A Sign on the Door.

The First Simple Question

Sisters of My Heart

This collection of writings is dedicated to the women who have impacted my life as a wife, mother, teacher and doula.

They have enlightened me, empowered me, guided me, enriched me, infuriated me, informed me, set incredibly high standards for me to adhere to, uplifted and inspired me.

Each one has been a gift in the crazy quilt of my life.

To honor them I pass bits and scraps of their gifts to me on to other women passing through my life.

In each piece in this collection I will attempt to illuminate how the threads of their stories wove into the fabric of my life.

***************

The First Simple Question

I knew what I wanted to do with my life from the time I was in junior high. That was the year I first rode a horse. My friend Denise had turned to me in Intro to Algebra and asked, "Do you want to rent horses from Grizzly Stables in Tilden Park and go riding with me on Saturday?"

Having read all the Black Stallion books and being completely horse crazy I enthusiastically said, "yes!"

You have to understand that all my riding up to that moment had been in my dreams. Denise, on the other hand, was an experienced rider having ridden at Shady Lawn summer camp every summer. So I had no idea when I put my foot into the stirrup and mounted up that morning that I was about to change my life. We started up the trail at a walk, Denise in the lead. I liked the feeling of being up high, looking out at the distant grass covered golden California hills and feeling the horse move underneath me.

When we had ridden out of sight of the livery barn Denise twisted around to face me in her saddle and said to me, "Do you want to gallop?"

Being a risk averse person I felt this was unwise and said, "No, I'm doing fine just walking."

"OK. That's fine. You keep walking and I'll just gallop ahead," and with a quick flick of her split reins onto her horse's solid rump off she went.

I quickly learned that Denise was not as experienced a horseman as she had led me to believe because any real horseperson knows horses are herd animals, and the horses in a rental string have a very strong herd bond. So as her horse's tail began to disappear down the dusty trail I felt my horse quicken his pace and within moments he had taken off in hot pursuit of his buddy.

At first I panicked, pulling on the reins and gripping my legs as tightly as I could to the stiff leather of the western saddle. As my horse caught up to his "herd" of one I felt him slacken his pace and he settled into a rolling canter. I relaxed my death grip, held onto the saddle horn and let the sensation of all that powerful muscle movement lifting me up and swinging me down flow through my body. It was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life. I was hooked; a riding junkie, addicted for life.

That wasn't the moment I knew though. No, I was still blissfully unaware of my purpose calling to me. It was later that night when I knew in my core that this was what I wanted to do for the rest of my life.

Denise and I had returned the horses to the barn and had happily gone on with our day. As evening approached the soreness and stiffness of my first horse adventure began to settle over me. I pushed it to the back of my mind and went busily off to a neighbor's to baby sit their three kids. After fixing dinner, playing games, giving baths and tucking kids into bed I lay down on the couch to wait for the parents to arrive back home. As I began to drift into the space that lies between being fully awake and fully asleep I was suddenly transported back into the saddle and re-experienced through the very cells of my body the delicious motion of the lift and swing of cantering on horseback. It was the most vivid and powerful sensation I had ever experienced. In an instant I felt each muscle group responding to the swinging rhythm of the horse, felt the air moving past my face, saw the scenery sliding past, heard the beat of the hooves in the soft dirt and the creak of the Western saddle as my body moved in time with my horse. That was the moment when I knew, and the power of riding first revealed itself to me.

Later would come devoting all my earnings to buying my first horse, many hours of hard work in and out of the saddle, the choice to go to riding school instead of college, and hours upon hours, miles upon miles spent in the joyous pursuit of attaining physical harmony with a horse. Eventually my hunt for equestrian perfection carried me across the country and landed me in St. Mary's County in rural southern Maryland.

One of the things a professional horseperson has to come to accept is that with horses comes pain and injury. For most of us it isn't pain from the big accidents, although there will be big accidents along the way, it is everyday pain from the everyday stress and strain of our bones, muscles and ligaments shaping to and encouraging the movement of the horses we ride. Concussion is part of the puzzle but it is only one piece. The combination of absorbing the concussion while maintaining our body posture and influencing the directional flow of the horse's body is what slowly, bit by bit, trot step by trot step, tears away at our body's integrity.

We learn to go on after the big accidents, we "recover" and get back to riding; carrying our scars and imbalances in secret stiffnesses and pain filled sleepless nights. Some of us become pain pill addicts. Others try to just bear it and go on; slowly becoming twisted versions of our former selves. The point is always to get back on. I had always gotten back on, through a broken tailbone, sprained ankles, smashed feet, cracked teeth, and a smashed kneecap. But now I was struggling to "recover" from a torn ligament in my back which held one of my vertebras in place. I was back to riding of course, but the pain was constant and I feared it might win this time.

So when I sat in the shady pine trees on Carolyn's farm after giving her daughter a lesson and she asked me what appeared to be a simple question, "What do you want to do with your life if you can't ride horses?" I didn't have an answer. The question depressed me. I couldn't imagine anything else I could have as much passion for as the horses. And passion was at the heart of the question. I knew Carolyn was really asking me what could I love doing as much, what could I throw myself into in the same way, what could I devote my life to? I knew this because my friend Carolyn believes in creating a life around your passion.

Carolyn Egeli is an artist. She comes from a family of artists; her parents, brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews. She has always made her living as an artist. She paints beautiful landscapes, portraits and marines. Her home is an elegant retreat on the banks of Herring Creek. Her hospitality a combination of conservative southern charm and quirky artist. She has lived a daring life for a woman from Valley Lee; always a woman, always a mother, and for me a mentor. She had invited me into her home. Welcomed me into her sunlit studio. Shared her most precious possession with me her daughter, Jennifer. Many an afternoon I left my boots in her mud room and sat warming myself with a cup of tea at her sturdy kitchen table on a cold fall or winter day after giving Jennifer a riding lesson on her bay pony. We talked about our lives, horses, kids and husbands.

She had grown up a devout Christian Scientist and, as such, was the first woman I knew to have given birth at home; her mother her only birth attendant. She shared with me that before her first birth she had read all the "latest" books on how to birth using Lamaze techniques but when it came time to push she made no progress. Her mother advised her, in no uncertain terms, to stop putting her head to her chest and pushing in that unnatural position; lay back and birth your baby. Listening to her mother and her body she had born two children at home.

She was also the first woman I personally watched recover from a Cesarean Section. During the time period I spent with Carolyn she had moved away from the church and was no longer a practicing Christian Scientist. So for her last birth, with a new husband and at an older age, Carolyn had agreed to give birth in the local hospital. Wisely, since kids were still in my future to come, she never shared much with me about the experience except for her panic as the anesthesia took effect during the operation itself. She never spoke of it, but I could sense her deep sadness about the birth and also her anger. She knew birth wasn't meant to be that way and didn't have to be that way.

I learned so many things from her about life and living, mothering and being true to your passion; lessons passed effortlessly through example and simple friendship. So when she asked, "What do you want to do with your life if you can't ride horses?" I knew this wasn't a simple question. I wouldn't have an answer for her for another 10 years. Not until I had another experience powerful enough to change my life forever, the birth of my son at Sierra Vista Hospital.

I am proud to have had Carolyn Egeli as a friend and to have two of her beautiful paintings to treasure in my home. To learn more about Carolyn and view her beautiful art please go to: http://www.artistccegeli.com/
When I saw the photograph of her on her home page standing before her easel, brush in hand, her passion for life shining through her glowing smile time stood still for me.

Thank you Carolyn.

Sisterhood

I am so lucky. Through the birth community I have come to know many amazing women. Women who inspire and uplift me; who keep me afloat while I do this incredibly draining work. Oh yes being a doula is wonderful and enriches my life but, make no mistake, to do this work well means giving totally of yourself both physically and emotionally. The amount of concentrated focus moving through me into the laboring woman and her partner leaves me exhausted. So how do I replenish my soul? Through my family, through my husband, and through 'the sisters of my heart'. I never know when one of them will suddenly enrich my life once again with meaning and purpose. I will be introducing you to my wonderful sisters from time to time.

Today I want to share with you a wonderful woman who asked me to participate in an inspiring occasion a few days ago. Jennifer Everett is a Bradley Childbirth Educator and Assistant Midwife in Grover Beach. She is my right hand woman in the Birth & Baby Resource Network. On top of this she is the mother of 3 great kids, one born in the hospital & two at home, all born naturally! She is a brilliant organizer and was the coordinator for last year's Birth & Baby Fair. Crazy woman that she is she has offered to organize it again this year and has some innovative ideas for new events we will be running in conjunction with this year's Fair. (I'll keep you posted on those.)

None of that is why I am writing about her today. Today I am writing because she let me be present when she gave her fifteen year old daughter the sweetest of gifts; a party in her honor to welcome her into the community of women. Inspired by the book "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant, a must read for women, she created a Red Party and gathered a group of women young and old to eat, to drink, to laugh and to share. Everyone wore red, we ate red food including a scrumptious red velvet cake (my first!), her home was decorated with red balloons and gorgeous bunches of deep red roses. Jennifer asked everyone to bring index cards with lists of favorite female: authors, books, movies, singers and songs; as well as, cards to pass on what we have learned about being a woman in today's world. Then she put them all together for her in a photo album; a treasured keepsake of the moment.

None of that is why I am writing about her today. It is the party "activity" she chose and helped create which lifted the occasion to another level for me. Jennifer hired a wonderful woman, Janice Devine Patterson, who has started her own business (yeah!) called The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pots. I think this woman is brilliant!! She has taken a simple activity, the creation of candles, and imbued it with a child-like energy and the creation of a joyous ritual which taps into people's hearts and facilitates the giving and receiving of the gift of feelings. With a bit of guidance from the host she spontaneously works with the theme of the ocassion to create a completely unique experience. This would work beautifully to mark any of life's passages, jubilant or sad: baby or wedding showers, graduations, new careers, memorials, divorce, or struggling against illness.

None of that is really why I am writing today. I am writing because Jennifer did me the honor of asking me to be present when she gave her daughter a cherished gift; the gift of community, the gift of being valued by her mother and the women of her mother's world, the gift of saying such heartfelt feelings they brought tears to all our eyes, the gift of a mother respecting a daughter. These are powerful life long gifts. I feel blessed to have been a witness to the giving.

To learn more about The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pots visit:

www.thesisterhoodofthetravelingpots.com

Have you read "Sister of My Heart" by Chitra Divakaruni? It was one of the books on my index card of favorite Chick Lit. It was given to me as a thank you by another amazing woman I'm sure I'll end up introducing to you someday.

A Simple Question

"What do you plan to do if you go into labor when Tim is on the road?" I asked simply as I trotted around the circle. I was riding Kareem in the round corral at Sabrina's house in Arroyo Grande. Our sons were busy playing Ninja Turtles together. This was how I had spent many afternoons lately.

Sabrina had hired me to train her young Arabian horse. As I quietly worked with the bay gelding, I chatted with Sabrina about the upcoming birth of her second child. Sabrina and this birth had been on my mind a lot. She had shared her sadness about having had a cesarean the first time. Her story had resonated with me as I relived how close my own son's birth had come to happening in an OR.

We had compared notes on the different paths that had led us both into territory we previously hadn't known existed. It was Sabrina's desire to try again with this new baby for the vaginal experience she had missed. At this time it wasn't unusual or controversial for women to V-BAC. Five years before it would have been unheard of for a doctor to "let" her try. Now of course they might "let" her if she successfully jumps through all the hoops of finding a willing doctor and goes to the right kind of hospital. But this birth was happening during a window of opportunity that women had struggled hard to create and doctors quickly closed.

My query was a simple planning and logistical question really. Her husband was a truck driver. He was gone over night several times a week. Not being ready to face that problem quite yet, like many pregnant women, she had just shelved it to be worked out at a later date when she had more time and energy. She said, "I don't know. I haven't really thought about it yet."

"Well I'd be happy to come and be with you at the hospital until he can get here." A simple question and a simple offer; one friend to another. There were no great bells and whistles, no sky-opening claps of thunder. Nothing to tell me I had stepped onto a path that would take me places I never knew I wanted to go. And so we began to plan. We spent many hours together, going to Bradley Classes, looking over the nursery she was redoing and waiting for the big day. I learned how sweet a friendship between two women can be that blossoms around a new life coming into the world.

As the days passed one after another beyond her due date she confided in me that her biggest fear was having another c-section and being in the recovery room all alone after the birth. She said the surgery was not that bad and her recovery at home went smoothly, but the time spent lying in the recovery room waiting to hold her son was heartbreaking. I can't tell you the story of the birth because that is only Sabrina's to tell. Whenever I tell a birth story in this blog I will not be attaching the woman's name to it. But this shared experience taught me that I was drawn to this work. I can tell you that because of Sabrina's honesty in expressing her biggest fear to me I have fought hard to never have one of my c-section moms alone after their birth with no one who cares about them to hold their hand and celebrate the arrival of their new little miracle.

Thank you Sabrina.

Click here to read the next post in my collection of writings about my personal doula journey.

Birthing a Blog

Inspired by the movie Julie and Julia, I decided to create a blog. I wanted to see what would happen if I wrote down my thoughts about my doula experiences.

Would I have enough to say? Would my words be helpful to women? Would people in my community get angry if I spoke the truth about what I witness at births; the good, the bad and the ugly? I mean all of it, whether or not it might make people uncomfortable. Could I speak my truth and not put my family in jeopardy of being sued for libel?

So I committed myself to 10 months and gave myself a due date of November 1st. Then I promptly put the idea on the back burner of my life to let it simmer and see what it would boil down to. Ideas floated through my head but I didn't act upon them in any real way.

I talked to my husband looking for support and my brother who has experience in blogging for feedback and ideas. I tried on different blog looks. I dabbled in learning about what it is like to do a blog, but I made no move toward creating the real thing.

The week before the first of November I casually mentioned to my husband that my due date was coming up. "Did he think he could create some time this weekend to help me?" Halloween night I said OK I think tomorrow's the day. I'm feeling ready. November 1st we sat down together and began the process. We carefully looked through our options and he helped me lay down a foundation. It wasn't exactly what I wanted. Compromises needed to be made but it would get me started. After all, I am learning that creating a blog is something one does in little bits over a long period. The only way to really see a blog for what it is, is in hindsight. Down the road we can look back, review what we went through, look at signposts along the way and gain some clarity on our experience. There is nothing to be done except embrace the process as it unfolds. We don't really know where it will take us but if we have faith in the process amazing things can happen.

Later that night I e-mailed my sister-in-law and brother for support; my doulas. I thought I had a good idea. I thought my blog was starting to look OK, but my confidence was wavering. Of course my husband said it was great, but that's what good husbands do. Wives know this, so they don't believe husbands when they say "You're doing great." Women turn to other supportive, knowledgeable and caring people to give them an honest assessment on how they are doing. That's one of the reasons women hire me. Just like a good doula, my sister-in-law gave me both praise and steered me toward some new things I might want to try.

Now I seem to be in very active labor. I can't seem to focus on anything else. Thoughts of this blog are swimming in my head constantly, no matter where I am or what I am doing. Things are coming too fast, and I'm going to need to learn how to pace myself and work effectively with all this creative energy. Especially since I am a first-time blog creator.

Perhaps I am misjudging the stage I am at. This might not be active labor at all. What if this is really early labor? I don't want to expend so much energy at the start that I don't have it in me for the long haul. Who knows what challenges lie ahead? I need to slow myself down and focus on each surge of energy as it comes. Stop looking way down the road; stay in the moment and see what the moment brings.